When to Lie
The message you communicate when you say the phrase, "To be honest..." is that at some other point in your relationship with that person you have been less honest. Therefore I always encourage my Clients to develop the habit of saying, "To be candid..." instead. I believe this idea came from Zig Ziglar decades ago.
In general we believe to have integrity you must be totally honest at all times, but the key consideration is the word, "totally." For instance, if a terrorist is threatening your life, the circumstances may force you to be less than totally honest. It is logical to withhold information, or even lie in that situation for survival.
One cornerstone consideration is our lives can spin out of control if we are dishonest with ourselves. Self-honesty is crucial to our well-being and success. On the other hand, complete transparency with others about the details of our personal and professional lives requires careful discernment. There is a difference between being honest and sharing every little detail. Having integrity does not require us to be foolish.
I am NOT advocating lying. Lying hurts people, including yourself. There are plenty of reasons against lying. I hope none of us ever lie to ourselves, people we love, and our coworkers. My point is that you may need to consider a qualification or two if you want to make a commitment to "never lie" under any circumstances. That vow by itself is not logical or wise because the statement is too broad.
The challenge, in varying degrees by person, is always demonstrating wise discernment for when less than total honesty and/or full disclosure is appropriate. Let me give you some examples beyond the one above with the terrorist:
1. Unreliable: At times in our career we may work with people who cannot meet a deadline or be on time to a meeting to save their life. Or at least it seems that way... Therefore we may have to develop a habit of setting a schedule with them that is earlier than the real schedule. For instance, if you want something completed by Friday, you may have to tell them the due date is Wednesday to make certain they do not make you late on your commitments.
2. Fake Questions: Sometimes we receive a demand for validation that is disguised as a sincere question. For example your spouse or special other may ask, "Honey, do these pants make me look fat?" A good habit to learn is to buy a moment of time to think. You might initially respond to their request with a delay, such as, "Hmmm... let me look." Use those few seconds to consider whether they truly want your feedback, or are merely seeking validation of the decision they have already made and will not change.
3. Poor Performers: Similar to #2 above, we may have coworkers who are performing poorly. We have opportunities to comment on their performance and have to decide whether our response can be totally candid. Unfortunately in many company cultures we have to be careful what we say even when the facts support our conclusion that the person is not contributing as much as they should. Hopefully we can avoid an outright lie, but unless the other party is going to be receptive to our conclusions it is often best to be less than fully honest. Withholding information to avoid confrontation is not ideal, but sometimes necessary.
4. Surprises: Some of the happiest moments you can give someone else is to surprise them in ways they appreciate. This may require you to be less than truthful for a short amount of time. I think this is self-explanatory, yet this example is a good reminder. "Honesty is the best policy," is true, but sometimes withholding information or redirecting people asking questions rather than answering candidly may be appropriate. (Notice often you can avoid an outright lie.)
5. Promotions: It may happen in your career that you are offered a promotion that increases your responsibility, but not your authority. These are dangerous offers and should not be confused with opportunities. Most of the time it is a bad decision to accept any promotion unless you can confirm the ways your new authority matches your responsibilities in clear, measurable ways.
In closing, I encourage you to develop a habit of saying, "...to be candid..." and avoid situations that tempt you to lie. Consider walking away instead of adding another unhealthy element to an already unproductive situation.
PLEASE NOTE: It is a lot easier to remember what you said when you tell the truth all the time, even if at times you believe it is best to withhold some information.
FOLLOW-UP
Consider Dan Busby's 100 Quotes on Trust. These truisms apply to us all, nonprofit, for profit... any leader.
Thank John Pearson for sending this link along. John is one of the most respected consultants for Christian nonprofits in the world. I am blessed to consider him a friend. Reach out to John if you ever need his type of guidance. You won't be disappointed.
One question was raised by my email yesterday: "What is the primary way leaders lie to others?"
If we consider "primary" to mean most often, then I suggest there is one habit that plagues most leaders. The difference between an average or poor leader, and a truly great one, is the great leaders learn new, more powerful and positive habits and skills to overcome their bad habits.
The most common "lie" of leaders is they:
Fail to fulfill their commitments on time and/or as expected.
I have several Clients right now who are wondering if I am speaking about them. The answer is "yes," but "no," not you specifically.
Failing to follow-through means you did not do what you said you would do. Some people call that a lie. Others have different words for it. I suggest too often leaders make commitments overly optimistically, because they do not want to say "no," and/or they do not have good delegating or communication skills.
You need new leadership systems and new habits. In particular, these new habits take time to develop. Don't wait! Contact if you think I may be able to help or have any questions.
